


Sometimes...

by InfiniteInferno



Series: JSE Egos Works [4]
Category: Video Blogging RPF, jacksepticeye
Genre: Angst, Depression, I'm actually proud of this one guys, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Negative Thoughts, PLEASE READ TAGS, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Yell at me in the comments, vent fic, zalgo text
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-19 13:28:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22745248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteInferno/pseuds/InfiniteInferno
Summary: Jameson is Not Having A Good Time and it takes *just* too long for the others to realize it.PLEASE READ AND HEED THE WARNINGS!!! This one is very dark and I want to make sure you all stay safe!!
Series: JSE Egos Works [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635349
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Sometimes...

**Author's Note:**

> This is both based off of and inspired by this other poem I wrote: 
> 
> https://infinite-inferno.tumblr.com/post/190847824634/sometimes
> 
> Almost all the bolded/italicized text is from that poem, you can either read it before, after or neither, you'd just know more about what's coming by reading the poem first. 
> 
> If you can't read the zalgo text for whatever reason, copy and paste it into here: https://lingojam.com/ZalgoText

**_Sometimes it was little things…_ **

“JJ do you know where my Nerf gun went?” Chase waited half a beat for a response, looking everywhere except at the silent man. “Nevermind, I’ll ask Marvin…” Chase didn’t see Jameson signing that he left it on the table after he finished recording, but he was clearly shaken up, so he didn’t mind too much, and went back to his book (at least, that’s what he told himself). 

**_Sometimes it was something more…_ **

Anti glitched halfway through the house and ended up right in front of Jameson, who was so startled he jumped in his chair, bringing his knees to his chest for a brief second, his book laying face down on the ground. “J̴̠̘̊̾͝ḁ̶̳̭͝c̵͈̟͈̔͂̍k̶̩͋͠s̷̛͖̒o̴͍̐ṅ̵͚͓͔̃̔ ̴̡̯̀y̵̧̝͎̫͆̀̎o̸͇͖̰̦͑̃̉̕ů̸̗̮͕͝ ̸̩͈̝̾̐̉l̵̜͉̗̇i̵̗̾͘t̸̘̍͒t̵̞̞͑l̸̙̣͛͝ę̸̝̗̹̈́̽̉͂ ̸̦̬͙̬̈́s̵̮̃͛͜h̶̺͛̉ȉ̴̡̙̎ͅẗ̶̫̬́͋!̸̗̖͐̑̂̽ͅ” Jameson’s eyes were fearful for a moment before landing on confused, but wasn’t able to express his confusion before Anti continued. “I̷̢̝̕ ̶̹c̷̩͆a̴̦͚͑n̴̘͚̊’̷͙̈́̈́t̶͉̄̕͜ ̵̳̺̚b̸̰̲̀ė̶̢͝l̸̼̈i̵̪̒͂ë̴̬́̚ͅv̶̖͎̑͑ḛ̵͛ ̸̦͕͌y̷͍̪͐o̵̢̫͠ủ̶̠!̵͕͙̈́ ̷͓̉̏I̷̛̗̊ ̸̯̞̆̑c̵̹̋a̸̙̚͠n̶̜̖͌̚’̸̫̜̓ẗ̵̐ͅ ̸̣̈́̓f̷̣̦͐ǘ̷̦c̸̳͐ḱ̷̲͎i̸̠͖͆͌n̴̲͐g̶̝̈́ ̵̙̌͘b̵͍̓̽ĕ̵̝l̵̪̃͠i̶͕̥̒ĕ̵͚̒͜v̷͇͗̔e̶̢͐ ̶̟̹̂͗ỳ̸͔̙̇o̸̫̓u̵̖̿ ̷̗̌̕w̷͙̣̒ō̸̙̼̒u̶̞̩̅l̵̛͎̾d̶͚̂ ̵̻̻̏d̴̘̱͐õ̸͉͂ ̶̘̊̌s̸̪͌ǫ̵̢͌̃m̴͕̣̐͠ḛ̴̇t̴͙͝͝h̶̙̞̔i̷̝̥̇n̴͔̆g̷͇͉͐ ̷̨̆̓ľ̷̫i̵̬̿k̴̢͠e̶̺͎̋ ̵̯̿͑t̴̢͐ḧ̷̟͈́̓i̷͇͝s̶͉̜͑!̷̦̺͊”

‘What? What did I do?’ He signed shakily, feeling intense fear and confusion at the same time and he couldn’t tell which one had the upper hand.

“D̴͎̄ỏ̴̧n̸̨͑’̷̥̿ť̴̯ ̷̘̀p̵̙͐ù̴̠ḻ̷͂l̴͇̊ ̴͓̾t̶̗̚h̴̘̀a̷̢͑t̶͔̑ ̵̞́b̸͇̊u̸͚͆l̷͙̊l̴̰̑s̸͇̾h̷̘̀i̴͎͑t̷͛͜,̶̞͝ ̴̗̅I̴̢͌ ̸̱́ḳ̸̕ṅ̸̹o̷̬̒ẅ̵̦ ̵̢͝y̷̛̜o̴͎̎u̸͊ͅ’̶̚͜ŕ̷͉ḙ̷͌ ̵͓͌n̴͍̈́o̴͖͗ẗ̵͓ ̷͙̚t̷̮̓h̵͝ͅe̶̪͆ ̸̖̃ī̶͕n̴̡͝n̴͓̔o̷̙̎c̸͂͜e̷̠͑n̸̘͝t̴̻̂ ̸̥̚f̴͚̈ȕ̶̼c̶͕̚k̸̫̒i̶͙̚n̴̘̾g̵͙̿ ̷͓́a̴͇̾n̸̖͆g̵̥͒ë̷̦ļ̵̔ ̷͖͒y̶͓̎ọ̴u̵̺̍ ̸͎̑ṕ̶͔r̷̈ͅẽ̸̼ṯ̵̄e̶̹̋n̶͈̈́d̷̤̒ ̸̦͠t̶͕̑ö̵̲́ ̴̼̄ḅ̵́e̵̝̽,̴͙̓ ̵̬͘d̷̳r̶͖̂o̷̟͝p̸̧̈ ̸̜͐t̶͙̓h̶̫̊e̶͕̚ ̴͚̒a̷͠ͅĉ̶͉t̵̹̿.̶͇ ̴̌͜Ĩ̷̖ ̴̞͝k̶͎̔n̵̬͌o̸̼̚ẅ̶̟́ ̴̭͌y̶͙͒o̴͛͜u̸̳̓ ̸̺̚f̴͙̄ǘ̶̘c̶̢͘k̷̼͗ĭ̶̢n̴̼̒g̵̮̍ ̶̺͠a̸̦͂t̶̰e̶̞͝ ̸̬̈́m̶̘͐y̶̼͐ ̸̠̈́d̷̠à̷̲ḿ̷͔n̶̤̕ ̴̛̼f̴͖̈ö̵̧́ô̵̟d̸̠̈!̵̡̃”

‘Ate your… what?’ Jameson was confused not just by being accused of doing the act, but why Anti was this worked up over it. ‘Anti… please believe me. I did not eat your food. And can you please put me down?’

“W̶̟̽e̷̡̛l̶̛̦l̷̻,̴̮̅ ̸̜͐e̵̜̊v̴͇͠ę̷̌r̵̤̿ÿ̴͙́ó̷͖n̷͕e̵̬ ̸͈̌e̷̮̾ľ̴͇s̷̙͊e̴̢͘ ̷͖͝s̶̹̊a̶̳͑ị̴̾d̵͈͋ ̴̰͗t̴̘̃h̷̗̐ĕ̸̖ỳ̴̠ ̴̭̃d̶̳ï̵̞d̷̮͂n̵̳̏’̷̯̽t̶͕͌ ̶̬͘d̵̬̈́o̴̼̍ ̷͖̅ī̵͇t̵͍̊,̶̦̒ ̷͙̂a̶̹̕n̸͇͘ď̵͕ ̶̗͛ỳ̴̳o̵̩͠u̴̮̓’̶̟̐r̵̝̈́e̸͛ͅ ̷̗t̶̛̖h̴̜̚ė̷̡ ̸͉̓l̷̟͂a̴̡̍s̷̻̒t̷̞͝ ̵̙̿ö̶̪́n̵̖͛e̶͈̿.̸̜̆ ̴̲̒D̶͚͋ǫ̵̚n̷̝̆’̴̖t̶̙̑ ̷̖͘p̶͚͐l̷̻̉a̵̝͋y̵͓͐ ̴̺͋m̷̮͒e̸̦͝ ̵͉̈́ȧ̸̙ ̴̦̌f̸̹̒ǫ̶̎o̵̧̓l̸̠͂ ̴̳͌J̶̟̈́ä̷̮c̴̦̍k̴̳̿s̶͕̔o̶͓̒n̶̾͜,̴͖͛ ̸̮̽I̶̟̾’̵̲͝m̶̐͜ ̸͓͝s̷͖u̷̢̿r̷̢͝e̴̝͘ **ÿ̵̢͚̥̻̣̿͆̅́͘͜o̴͇̒̈́̊̍͑ų̴̲͈͔̬̹͍̍̓̈͝͝** ̵̠̚k̵̭͛n̸͍͑o̸̠̎ẉ̸͆ ̴̫̔b̵̙̒è̵̜t̶͎̾t̴̗͘e̵̳͗r̸̝̕ ̷̺̋ț̴́ḩ̷̛a̸̼̋n̷͖̈́ ̴̬̏t̷͕̎ḧ̴̼ā̴̡ẗ̴̫́.” 

‘Please, try and calm down-’

“Y̴͍͐o̶͖̕u̸͎͛ ̵̭̈́e̸͇̚x̴̳͝p̷̱̕ĕ̴̼c̸̣͌t̶̨̉ ̴̺̊m̷̞͂ḛ̷̀ ̶̖̚t̴̯͝o̶͕̅ ̷̨̃b̸̯͝ë̵̱́ ̴̩̈́c̴̥̀a̶̘͒l̷͍̈́m̸͖̐ ̵̗̍r̶͕̿i̵̯̕g̴̫͝h̵͉̀t̸͕̋ ̴̩n̵̥͌o̴̤̅w̴͈̑?̴̳̊ ̴̖̽T̸̗́h̴͉̽a̷͇͝t̴̤͌ ̵̪͆i̶̧c̶̮̈e̷͚̿ ̸̬̽c̵̩̍r̶̮͌e̶̫͗ȃ̶͓m̵̻ ̴͕͠w̸̬̾ả̴͚s̸̫̔ ̸̱̿t̷̩̐h̷͔͊ę̷͘ ̴͊ͅl̸͚͂ả̸̖s̷̘͐t̶̳̄ ̸͔͘t̵͍͆h̸͚̑i̶̱n̵͈͘g̷̃ͅ ̸̞̀k̴̤̆è̷̩ë̸̫́p̵̙͝i̶͍̓n̵͉̐g̸̠̈ ̶̧̅m̸̛̬e̸̞̚ ̷̖̓f̵̯̓ǘ̵̧c̵̖̅k̷̯̍i̶͇̇n̷̛̝g̴̲̓ **ṣ̷̳͆̓͊̋a̷͉̳͒͌̾͊̉̆̚n̵̳̯̯͊͆̈́͝ĕ̶͇̩͇̠̞͎̂̓̃̃** ̶͇͘i̸̽͜n̷̦͂ ̷͖t̴͚̆h̶͈͂ï̴̬s̶̖̽ ̸̣̈́g̵̨̔o̶̡̎d̶̺̊f̷̗͝ő̶̭r̷̨͑s̵̛̰ả̷̤k̵̫͗e̶̙͋ñ̸̫ ̷̹̅h̶͆͜o̴̢̒û̶̟s̴̠̆ë̷̠h̶̤͛ỏ̴̪l̷̪̾d̷̨̈́!̵͓̈́ ̵͍̇A̵̘͐n̵̩̾d̶̡ ̸̨n̵̳͝o̴͍̕w̴̻͛ ̸͈̈́y̵̦͌ò̸̹ū̷̦’̷̡̕r̴̻͋é̶̼ ̸̙̋t̷͈͑e̶̤̒l̸͔͗l̵͖̅ỉ̶͚n̴̼͐g̴̰̐ ̴̻͝m̸̧͝ë̵̳́ ̴͖͝ṭ̵̾o̴̳̐ **c̶̛͕̭͠a̵͎̬̺̹̒̋͋l̵̮͎̦͖͐̏m̷̢͙̼̻̬̕ ̴̡̍̅̏̊̕d̶̢̬͎̮͂͋̏o̵̲̘͚͆̉̔ẅ̸̯̭̖̣́̈́̋n̴̬̙͒?̸̱̱̳̹̒͋̅̆͜͝** ̵̦̒Q̶͉͗u̴̢̚i̴̞͝t̴̼͝ȩ̸͑ ̴̞̍ț̶̋h̶̻͝e̷̢͝ ̸͎́s̵̜͊h̷͉̊ḯ̶͖t̴̤͂h̴̗͘ë̴̗å̴̫d̷̨̚ ̸̆ͅy̴̮o̷̪u̸͈͗ ̵̲͘ả̸̰r̸̻͗ẹ̶͝,̷̼̂ ̴̹͊r̷̞͊ẹ̴̓ḁ̷͝l̷̄͜l̶͔̿ỹ̵̼.̴̯̒ ̷̟̑I̷̲ ̴͕̅t̶͔͑h̵͇͂o̸̜͋u̴̦͝ĝ̷̞ḣ̴̡ť̴͎ ̷̹̉ÿ̴̗́o̸͔͠ṳ̴͝ ̸̭͗w̸̭͊ẻ̸̥ř̷ͅe̴̪͒ ̷̹͝s̴̝̋u̸̦̇p̸̲p̷̣̓ŏ̴͓s̴̟͐e̴̢͌d̵͓̒ ̵̠̈ť̸͓o̷̞̾ ̵̡̔b̶̖̐ê̷͍ ̸͍͆t̵͎͂h̴̦̆e̸̖ ̷̥g̸͈͝é̶̮n̶̘͋t̵͜͝l̸̗̓ė̵̘m̸̼͘a̸̯̋n̷̨̋ ̴̰̅h̷̛̥ȅ̶̺r̶̥̍ë̸͉́.̵̺͊” Jameson stilled, his hands not moving and he seemed to forget how. The fear coursing through him rendered him pretty useless. Suddenly, Anti pinned him to the ground, the force of him being dropped and pinned causing all the air to leave his lungs and he tried to take deep breaths to both stay calm and not pass out. “Y̴͓͗ȏ̵̻ů̶͓ ̵͂͜r̴̢̅ȇ̵͔a̷̪̍l̸̫̈l̸̰̑y̵̖͗ ̵͎̈́w̴̬̕ȃ̴͍n̷̘̅t̶̥̓ ̶̥̆t̶̯͋o̸̞͛ ̵͓̎s̴̩̓e̵̫e̸̟͋ ̸͈͂m̷̦̊e̷͍̅ ̶̱̾l̸̺̔ö̶͔s̷͎͌e̷̼̐ ̸͖̋m̸̻̑y̶̺͠ ̶̰̐s̷̬̎ḧ̶̟́ị̷̔t̸͇̓ ̴̠͊d̴̹͝o̸̮̽n̶̰̿’̶̻̓t̵̠̓ ̸͚̽ỷ̷̝o̶͇͘u̸͕̔?̴̲̂ ̵̝͐Ȳ̴̻o̸͚ů̵̬ ̷͙̈́t̷͓͒h̸̗͋i̶̯̐n̸̼̈́k̷̠̊ ̵͕͆t̷̞́h̴̩̍a̸̿͜t̵̯̾ ̷̫͗w̶̯ǫ̵̓ù̸̬l̴̖̿d̴̠̉ ̷͍͘b̷̡̈́é̶͕ ̷̺̂s̴̙͊o̵̳̔ **f̵͙͓̱͒̔̀u̷͈͍̯̓̋̏c̶͕͎̎͊k̷̛̪̮ï̷̡͖͉ņ̸̮̼͠ḡ̴͓̮̒͑** ̶̵̱͈̔̃f̴̹͌u̵̱̐n̶͈͝n̸̗͂y̷̝͛,̶̾ͅ ̶̮͂r̴̯̐i̷̠̿g̶̗̾h̵͎̊t̴̹̚?̸̩̅ ̷̪̽D̸̻̈́r̵̪͋i̸̘̓v̵͔̎e̵̻͝ ̷̃ͅt̷͓̽h̶͕e̶͍̓ ̷̽͜d̷̥̋e̵͓̓m̸̘̋o̶̮͌n̴͇̆ ̵̨͘t̴̞͠o̵̩͑ ̶̘̇i̶̺̕n̶̘̏š̸͙a̵̜̓n̵͉͌i̴̜t̶͚́y̶̰ ̶̗̒ḁ̷̈ṋ̶̈́d̸̼̕ ̴̖͠s̴̯̾ẹ̶͒e̵̛͚ ̶̝̀w̷̻̽h̶̺̅a̷̘ẗ̵́͜ ̵̳͝w̵̭̿ị̴͑l̸̩̒l̵̝̀ ̴͓̃h̴͇̍a̶̭̅p̷̥̿p̶̡̈́e̸͓͘n̶̰͂!̸̙̈́ ̵͔̅W̷̝͊ḙ̶̈́l̷͍͒l̵̤̅ ̸̨̇t̴̆ͅh̵̖̐i̸͚͗s̷̼̀ ̵̓͜a̴̠ǐ̷̻ṉ̵̀’̵̳̂ṯ̸͋ ̷̫̋a̷̙̒ ̶͖͑f̶̧̎u̴͔̕c̷͍̾k̷̨̛i̸͇̍n̸͔̽g̵͍͆ ̵͍̒g̶̼â̷̡m̵̰̕ẹ̵̈́ ̵̬͆J̷̣͒ȃ̸̮c̷̈͜ḳ̷͊s̵͖͘o̶̟̚ń̴̯,̷͔͗ ̸̝͝b̶̳̽u̶̗t̶̝̉ ̸͓͋i̵̬̚f̶̲̈́ ̵̤͌î̷̧t̸̮͑ ̵̟͠ḯ̶͉s̶̜̔,̴̯̑ ̶̟͌I̸̱̾’̵̘̂l̷͔̕l̴͎ ̸̨͋ḿ̸̳a̴͉̐k̸̜̑ḙ̷̏ ̶̯̏ś̷̪ù̷̹r̸̢͘e̵͗͜ ̷̡͐t̴̹͝h̵̩̾ā̴̙ṱ̷̌ ̷͕̐ȳ̵̦o̷̧͌ũ̴͇ ̷̞̀l̶̡̏o̷̧͝ṡ̵̘e̷̬͠.̸̮͗” Anti waited for some sort of response and got even more angry when he didn’t get one. “W̴͜͠h̵̲̿a̸̺̒t̴͙̽,̴̖̏ ̸̻̇ÿ̵̠o̶̧̾ŭ̶͎ ̸͎͝a̸̗̒r̴͍̓ĕ̴̟n̵̜̏’̸̥t̷͂ͅ ̴̻͊ē̴͔v̵̜̈ȅ̶͇n̶̡̕ ̵̘̃g̴̘͗ó̵̮i̴̫͋n̸͚̋g̶͚̓ ̶̙̚t̸̆͜o̵͖̽ ̷̭̆ş̶͌ā̷̘ỳ̸̗ ̵̧͐s̶̱͋ỏ̵͖m̸̫͌e̶̫̔t̴͍̎h̸͎͑i̴̼͌ṇ̵̈́ğ̴͙?̸̖̂ ̸͚̀N̸͖̓o̷̝͌t̷̝̊ ̸̣̽g̸̫͋o̸͍͑n̴̪͝ṅ̴̥a̵̽͜ ̷̧̍s̵̱c̵͙̈r̴̟̈́e̶̛͙a̷̗͋m̶̻̍ ̶̱̐f̴̗̍o̶̗͋r̶̭̊ ̴̙̒h̶̳͠è̵͚l̷̠͒p̷̜̒?̵̝̇ ̷̬̆O̶̪̓h̴͙̃ ̶̨̀w̵̙̆a̵͉͝i̵̻̊ẗ̷̝́,̶̹́ ̵̻͆ṯ̶́h̴̟͝â̶̩t̵̛̗’̷̺s̵̛̯ ̵͙̓r̴̭̉ĩ̷̤g̶͚̍h̴͔̀t̷̥̒,̸͕̽ ̷̬̏y̶͙ō̶͖u̷̟̍ ̸͚̒c̵̯͝a̴͈͑n̶̫͘’̶̥̂t̷̡̊.̵̗͑ ̵͓͝Ẃ̸̻a̷͕̒s̷̞̄ ̸̨͊t̵̥̾h̷̻̅i̷̼̎ş̷̃ ̶̤̾y̷̹̍o̷̦̒u̵͓͒r̵̦̓ ̵͉͆w̵̮͂a̵̝͗y̸̠͐ ̵͎͝o̴͖͘f̷̡̔ ̵̨̊g̷̬͊ë̴̮́t̴͍̽t̶̨̅i̴̊ͅn̴͔g̶̠͝ ̸̮r̵̪͌e̶̮ṿ̴e̶͉͊n̴̠̓g̴̩͆e̸͚͆ ̵̣͠õ̸̬n̶̲̚ ̶͚̀m̸̫̎e̵̢ ̵͖̈́f̶̪̐ọ̴̓r̸̙̒ ̶͚̏a̸͈̓l̷̳̊l̶̩͑ ̶͍͆ṱ̴͝ḧ̵͖́e̷̖̊ ̷̢͝â̶̱w̵̟͆f̷̮͑u̵̦͘l̵̫͛ ̵̦̈́t̶͙͘h̴͍̄ǐ̵̺n̷̫̔g̸̜͆s̵̺̈ ̴̼̄Ǐ̶̦ ̶̗͋ḋ̵̰ị̷́d̴͍̃ ̶͇̋ť̶͚ò̵͍ ̷̹̍ỷ̵̙ơ̸̩u̵̜͐ ̵̥̋b̶̧͒e̸̪̔f̸͔̈́õ̵̫r̵͙̉ẽ̷͙?̸̺̐ ̷͈̓I̴̘͘ ̸̥͠ţ̷́h̸͇͛ǒ̷̼u̷̱͒g̸̨͐h̶̲̚t̵̳̕ ̵͔͂w̵͓͘ë̶́ͅ ̴̧͐w̶͚̌e̶͖͂r̸̲̓ë̶͎́ ̸̯̆p̶̠͊a̶̛̖s̸̱̄t̴̼̕ ̷͇̍i̸͉̒t̸̗̏,̸̠̌ ̴͔̊a̴͉͑n̴͕͒d̸̜͐ ̶̭I̸̪͋ ̴̞́d̴̝̃i̸̹͠d̷͔̔n̸̲̕’̷̟̅t̵͕͐ ̷̣͑t̴͔̋a̸̞̍k̴͕͆ė̵͜ ̶̹̓ỵ̴̂o̷̫͗ṵ̸̃ ̸̬͊f̶̞͐ō̷̺r̵̮͂ ̷̹͠t̵̓ͅȟ̴̗e̶̺̔ ̸͚̆t̶̩̑ỵ̵̇p̴̟e̵̙̐ ̴̨̈́t̷̥̒ö̷͔́ ̵̫̓ḥ̶̑o̶͎͆l̸̘̅d̶͘ͅ ̵̭̎a̴͖͠ ̴͍̍g̸͎̃r̸̬̆u̷̹̚d̸͚͒g̶̱͌ȅ̵͚.” 

_I’m not that kind of person though, and I certainly wouldn’t do something like_ that _in revenge_ , Jameson thought. Even if he could’ve communicated some way, he couldn’t give his alibi without either being accused of lying (again) and/or raising concerns amongst the group over his well-being. 

The room was silent, save for the static that always followed Anti (which was currently very loud due to his heightened rage), for a short while longer before Anti suddenly let up, huffing and glitching away into his room.

After he got his bearings and was able to stand back up, Jameson went right back to his spot on the couch. _What just happened?_ JJ wondered as he went back to his book, barely reading - his mind was too distracted to concentrate on the text in front of him. Eventually though, he was able to clear his head, and though he was still shaken up, he continued reading, preferring to get lost in the world of the book than in his thoughts. 

**_Sometimes he had something he wanted to share…_ **

Jameson had finished his book a couple minutes ago and wiped the tears that made it onto his face at the start of him reading the epilogue of _When Breath Becomes Air_. After he was all settled again, he smiled and grabbed the book and headed towards Henrik’s room. When he found he wasn’t there, JJ made his way to the office area the doctor had set up for himself. Sure enough, he was hunched over a stack of paperwork, pen in one hand, mug of coffee in the other. Jameson tapped him on his shoulder practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. Henrik turned to face him and JJ began to sign wildly, a happy expression on his face.

‘I just finished reading this book and it was very entertaining and well written. I thought you might like it, because it is a memoir about a neurosurgeon and while I did not understand many of the medical references made, I knew you would and-’ 

“JJ, vhile I appreciate ze review, I do not have ze time right now und need to get vack to zis papervork. You can leave it on mein desk und I vill read it later if you like.” Jameson’s whole body deflated and he left, putting the book on Henrik’s desk just in case. 

**_Sometimes he just needed a confidant when he was broken and battered…_ **

Jameson was on the verge of tears as he shuffled to Jack’s door, not wanting to bother any of the others and not knowing where else to go. He raised his fist and did his signature knock - “JJ” in morse code. The door opened and Jameson was met with the face of a slightly annoyed Jack (he was trying his best to hide it, but JJ could see it behind his eyes). “Hey Jameson, what’s up?” 

‘I just wanted to talk to you about something… something that happened just now…’

For a second, Jack had a flash of guilt wash over his face. “I’m so sorry but uh, can it wait a little bit? I was just about to start recording.” Jameson looked over Jack’s shoulder into the room and could see that the camera was rolling, just recording the whiteboard. He then looked back at Jack, nodding sadly before turning and walking back to his room. 

**_Sometimes they heard…_ **

Chase, Jameson and Jackie were all in various locations in the living room each doing their own thing while the TV played some generic sitcom about a bunch of friends. Chase was doing something on his phone (probably playing some sort of mobile game), Jackie was stalking the news to see if anything happened that might require his assistance, and Jameson was watching the sitcom (although he was mostly just looking at the screen and not processing anything, deep in his own head). 

Marvin suddenly ran into the room looking very stressed. 

“Guys, I need your help. I have a performance tomorrow and I heard there’s supposed to be this big name guy who is going to potentially offer a contract to someone and I want it to be me, but I have no idea what to do.” His magic was radiating off of him, a faint green cloud that hovered around him, which was always the clearest indicator of his emotions even if he was trying to hide them.

Chase and Jackie tried to offer up ideas to him while Jameson sat quietly, trying to think of a good suggestion. Suddenly, his face lit up and he snapped to get their attention. ‘Marvin, what if you did a combination of some of your best acts? Take a bunch of them and make it into one singular act?’ 

**_… but never listened…_ **

Jameson finished signing his idea and looked to Marvin’s face, and although he snapped to get the others’ attention, and he thought he saw them look over at him, they were currently not even facing him, and had started back up throwing ideas around again amongst each other. Jameson looked between them all then back down at his hands, which made their way back into his lap. A slew of thoughts entered his head, not quite sure what just happened. _Did I even sign it? Am I going crazy? I thought I saw them look over too, but did I?_

**_Sometimes they wanted his input…_ **

Henrik was the first to emerge from his work, and a couple hours later Jack walked out of his recording room to where the rest of the egos were all gathered in front of the TV. Jack joined Henrik, Marvin, and Chase on the couch, Anti emerged from his room some time before Schneep got there and was perched on the back of the couch, and the rest were on the floor as they were trying to decide what movie to watch this time. Jackieboy Man looked to the youngest ego. “Hey Jamie, what do you want to watch?”

Jameson’s eyes lit up as he started signing his favorite movie. ‘Now, I know it is not Christmas yet, but how about _It’s A Wonderful Life?’_

**_… but never his opinion…_ **

Jackie seemed to consider it before making a face. “Hmmm… I dunno… oh hey! What about _Avengers Endgame_?” Murmurs of agreement were heard from everyone else at Jackie’s suggestion. Jameson offered a weak smile, not particularly wanting to watch the action movie but knew that since everyone else wanted to watch it he would be outnumbered no matter what he said. 

It’s not like his mind would let him pay too much attention to the film anyway. 

**_Sometimes he wondered…_ **

Every day, Jameson woke up to the same reality. Constantly being pushed aside or ignored, especially by the people he loved most, and it hurt him. Even a blind man could see from Jameson’s expression alone that he was hurting. 

**_… if it would be different…_ **

He took a deep breath, composing himself and getting dressed as he prepared himself for the day to come. It was another day, and he needed to interact with the others, no matter how painful it was. He took one last quick look in the mirror despite himself and hoped that nobody noticed how exhausted he looked from the poor quality of sleep he’s been getting as of late and just being mentally exhausted. 

**_… if it would be better…_ **

Jameson stepped out of his room and headed to the kitchen to start making breakfast for everyone ( _at least I’m useful for that_ ) only to run into Jackie who had already started making pancakes. He blinked, as Jackie was rarely up earlier than him, with him being on patrol all night long, and it had been a routine where JJ always made breakfast for everyone. The routine was something that managed to convince him to get out of bed many days, because who else would make breakfast for them if he didn’t? 

Apparently Jackie. 

**_… if he never bothered to speak…_ **

Jackie had heard footsteps behind him and turned around, the strings of his hoodie whipping around with him. He smiled when he saw who entered the room. “Hey Jamie!” He took in his features and the smile dropped. “Are you ok?” Jameson averted his eyes, looking anywhere but at him. Jackie furrowed his eyebrows - JJ was acting off and usually he would at least sign something, or shake his head, something to let him know that he heard him. 

**_… if he never bothered anyone again…_ **

Jackie turned the stove off after finishing the pancake he was on and walked over to him. As he got closer he could see the slow, silent tears making their way down his face. The sight made his heart drop into his stomach, shattering on its way down. “Hey, what’s wrong?” After he got no response he became even more worried about the youngest ego. 

Jameson however had no intention of telling him - he couldn’t. Even though he had been willing to open up to him before, this was something completely different and he most likely would either not understand why he was having these emotions or feel guilty for his part in it. It kinda sucked that he couldn’t talk to the person who comforted him after he was created and then immediately possessed by Anti and who continued to be there for him past then, but it was for his own good really. 

**_… if the pain he caused others wouldn’t occur…_ **

“Jamie please, tell me what’s wrong. It hurts to see you like this. How can I help make it all better? Do I need to fight anyone? Because I will-” Jackie was cut off by JJ turning and leaving the kitchen, and Jackie stood there, breakfast presently forgotten, and he sat down on the chair knowing that even if he went after him, he wouldn’t get anything more out and might just end up making his best friend feel worse, and he did _not_ want that. 

**_… if the pain he inflicted upon himself would all be for naught…_ **

Jameson made his way through the house, impulsively going into Anti’s room (who was currently asleep) and grabbed the handle of the first knife he saw (and there were many to choose from) before leaving and going back to his room, getting his medical supplies ready as he exposed his thigh (his arms were too cliche, and were much more noticeable and more likely to be shown from rolling up his sleeves or wearing a shorter shirt). He took a deep breath and began. 

**_… if his thoughts would cease to harm him…_ **

He cleaned and dressed his wounds expertly from practice and watching Henrik while he helped Jackie after he came back from patrol. All the while his mind was assaulting him about every little thing, this time focusing heavily on Jackie. _He was making breakfast for them. The one thing I was actually useful for. Guess that’s it then, isn’t it?_ He sighed and laid down on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. 

**_… if his thoughts would stop disappointing them…_ **

His thoughts were glaringly similar to those of another ego, and while he was not there for the event, he knew the basics of what happened and how each of them reacted to seeing Chase with a bullet through his head. When he was told, the others made him promise that if he was ever feeling like that, he would let someone know, as everyone else had done when the incident happened. _But yet, here you are, letting them all down. Imagine the looks on each of their faces when you tell them that you’ve been hiding this._ If _you tell them even._ He felt tears prick his eyes and he didn’t care enough to do anything with them. 

**_… if his actions would speak louder than his words…_ **

After a long while of him staring at the ceiling and letting the tears run down his face, he sat up in his bed, looking anywhere but directly in front of him where his mirror was - he didn’t need to see it to know he looked like crap. 

All he really wanted was just to be heard, and for the others to listen to what he had to say, which was a hard feat when he wasn’t even able to talk. Everyone else was able to ramble and lament about all their woes, and they all listened, why was he any different? _Everyone else can actually talk,_ that’s _the difference._

**_… if his actions finally got the message across he’s been trying to say…_ **

Looking back, Jameson was almost surprised that nobody realized what he was going through, especially Chase and Jackie, each for their own obvious reasons; Chase lived through almost the same exact thing ( _although Chase’s circumstances were worse_ , Jameson told himself) and Jackie was the closest person to Jameson out of everyone else there. But he just crumbled right under all their noses. 

He’d been deteriorating on the inside for so long, he couldn’t even remember when he started feeling this way. The shift must’ve been so gradual that they hadn’t even noticed there was a change going on internally. 

At some point Jameson had thought about talking to one of them, but didn’t want to burden his friends with his issues. He knew Jack was usually the person that the egos talked to about issues they didn’t want the others to know about and was sort of like a therapist to them in some ways, but he always seemed to pick a bad time for the busy YouTuber, so he gave up on trying to figure out what a good time was altogether.

**_… if he threw up the white flag…_ **

JJ had given up on more things too than just talking to Jack recently. More and more he noticed how easily he gave up and just submitted to whatever the universe decided to throw at him. Jameson was a house of cards that someone built outside, and with all the wind and rain being thrown his way, it was a miracle he didn’t topple sooner. He thought back at how he used to be, before it all went to hell - he was such a different person, _in more bad ways than good_ , his mind interjected. 

What even was good or bad anymore? Is “good” even possible? If it was, he was certain he didn’t qualify; what good person has the thoughts he has, does the things does, feels the way he feels?

**_… if he had his voice back…_ **

Jameson stared at his reflection, specifically his throat where his voice box should be, the one that Anti took from him back before the darker ego was part of their little family. Anti… he traced a line over his throat that matched Anti’s wound. 

**_… would they care more…_ **

One by one he wrote letters to each of his brothers, finishing with the most painful (and longest) letter - Jackie’s - making his handwriting as neat as possible. The only sounds came from his pen on the paper, and the ticking of a clock on the wall nearby. He delicately placed each letter into an envelope, writing each name in fancy calligraphy - Chase, Anti, Henrik, Jack, Marvin, Jackie. 

**_… or would they still…_ **

The light glinted on the metal of a knife - one of Anti’s favorite knives. It was the same one Anti used to cut his own/Jack’s throat that Halloween, giving him the very thing Jameson was trying to make his own rendition of. 

**_… ignore…_ **

Anti raced into the room where Jack, Henrik, Marvin, Chase, and Jackie were all on the couch watching TV, anger written all over his face. “O̸͈̓ķ̵̐,̶̺̑ ̴̟́w̸̤͋h̷̳̿í̴͍c̶̤̈́h̵͓͒ ̴̝̓o̵̭̐n̶͙͠e̵̪͝ ̷͎̎o̶̯͝f̴̠͊ ̴̳̾y̷͔̆o̴̗͂ṷ̵̄ ̵̝̽b̴̘̂ä̴̡s̸̝͑t̷̬̽a̸̱͋r̵͓͋d̶͔s̸̨̅ ̵̨t̷̥̍ǒ̷̱ò̵̮k̶̼̽ ̸̨͋m̸̢͌y̴̖͋ ̴̥̔k̵̙͘n̸͍̋i̴̘͋f̵̱̋e̵͕̅?̴̥̏” 5 variations of “not me” were murmured, causing Anti to sigh. “W̶̻̒e̶͓͂l̷̲̿l̴̩͐ ̴̢́i̵̤͆ṫ̶̟ ̸͎̂ḧ̵͈́a̸̻̚ḍ̶̛ ̵̹̅t̶̩̆o̵̙̚ ̵̬͘b̷̖͗e̵̺̋ ̸̱̒ȍ̵͈n̵̯͗e̴͙̔ ̷̢̄o̶̼̾f̶͔̽ ̸̪͂y̵̦̔o̴̹͆u̴͔͒!̴̗́ ̴̯̈W̸͎̕h̸͌͜o̴̝̒ ̷̟͘ē̴͈l̵̜͆s̴̞͒é̵̟ ̴̘̚c̴̟͠ô̶͈ű̵̺ḷ̸̏d̶͇̈́ ̵͒ͅi̸̗̋ț̴͛ ̸̠͐b̶̘̊ê̵͔?̵͉̓”

**_… his…_ **

Jack looked around the room. “Has anyone seen Jameson today?”

Jackie nodded. “Yeah, just a couple hours ago when I was making breakfast… he seemed upset about something but I don’t know what and he wouldn’t tell me, then he just ran off…” 

“O̵̳̊k̸̩̒ ̵̪͆b̵͍̋ù̵ͅt̵̜̊ ̶̱̀w̴̫̒h̸̘͘y̸̤̒ ̸̮̀w̴͎̚o̶̞͂ů̸̼l̶̠͋d̷̠̊ ̸̼h̷̗̃ẽ̷̯ ̶̳̔ḥ̵̓a̸̭̍v̶̬͋e̵̩̔ ̷̳̎m̵̖̆ỳ̵̘…̶̻͝” everyone came to the same (or at least, a very similar) conclusion simultaneously and were varying degrees of pale as they all jolted up from their spots on the couch. 

**_…_ ** ~~**_cries for_ ** ~~ **_…_ **

Jameson heard 3 people racing to his room while the other 3 went to the bathroom, and a jiggle of the handle on the door to JJ’s bedroom before he started to hear pounding on the door. He heard Jackie’s voice cut through the walls and smiled as his eyes fluttered closed, glad the voice of his best friend was the last thing he heard.

“JAMESON JACKSON OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!”

**_… help…_ **

**Author's Note:**

> If you are having thoughts like these please reach out to someone!! If you don't feel you can talk to a friend or loved one then you can call or text one of the various hotlines that exist, I like to use the phone app Wysa (it's a messaging app and you can either message an AI or pay for a therapist and it really helps me), but please don't let it get this far! There are so many people out there who love you and care about you! 
> 
> But also though just gotta say I'm actually really proud of this fic and there's so much thought that I put into it and I wonder if y'all will even pick up on half of it. If you're curious though just put a comment and I will GLADLY rant about it because I spent like a week or two on this thing and I'm so happy with it and how it turned out overall.


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